Ever hit a relationship snag that felt like a deal breaker? Well, what are common deal breakers in a relationship anyway?
Deal breakers are those non-negotiables that can end coupledom. I’ll briefly take you through the important deal breakers you need to watch out for—from trust breaches and communication collapses to incompatible needs.
I’ll give you the info you need to make informed choices about your relationships without any of the fluff.
Navigating the Non-Negotiables: Identifying Your Relationship Deal Breakers
Why do some relationships fail? Frequently, because of deal breakers – actions or beliefs that a person has and that are incompatible with our expectations.
Wow. Now for a real definition: core values, beliefs, and goals. When these core things clash, the love affair won’t work out. It might be sooner, or it might be later. But it will end.
So it’s better to know sooner, right? Get out before you’ve invested too much time, and things get too messy. This means you should do some soul-searching to identify what your non-negotiables are. That way, you can steer clear of relationships that don’t sync with who you are.
If you haven’t figured out who you are and what you value, you’ll want to get started. Otherwise, you will likely make compromises in a relationship that you later understand are not what you want.
Some of the universal relationship deal breakers include lack of trust (for whatever reason), lying, sexual incompatibility, infidelity, religious beliefs, controlling behavior, emotional abuse, substance abuse, financial habits or the inability to share financial responsibilities, lack of mental health, poor communication, different values or goals, an incompatibility in lifestyle or interests, wanting kids, poor hygiene (including smoking) and uncontrolled anger.
By being aware of your deal breakers helps you make more informed decisions about whether or not to pursue a new relationship. The sooner you realize things aren’t going to work in the long run, the sooner you can get out of it.
The Foundation of Trust: When It’s Broken Beyond Repair
When the trust in your significant other is gone, it is difficult or even impossible to rebuild trust. Likely, you will end up going your separate ways. Some typical ways that lead to broken trust are not keeping your word, being shady, actually straight-up lying, and cheating or being unfaithful in any way (even emotionally).
I have seen couples rebuild their trust. But it took a lot of commitment to let the mistakes of the past be in the past, to address underlying issues, and to build a stronger bond.
Communicating Effectively or Falling Apart
Good and active communication is the heartbeat of a happy relationship. It’s not just about what you talk about but how you talk about it. Eye contact, facial expressions, body language, and tone are all important to show you care and that you want to hear what the other person has to say. Signaling your openness to your partner paves the way for honest communication so you can express the real you and get to know your partner on a highly personal level.
When communication breaks down, things can get pretty rocky. It then becomes necessary to reestablish the dialogue. Failing to address communication issues can be a deal breaker, steering the relationship towards a dead-end. If you cannot communicate, you won’t be able to discuss tough issues like dealing with financial issues or talking about changes that need to be made to achieve your or his career aspirations.
Aligning Life Goals: When Paths Diverge
One of the most common deal breakers is when you and your partner have different dreams about your futures. As you get older, it will be more and more important to start moving towards those personal goals you have for your life. When you are not moving in the same direction, it’s hard to have a healthy relationship. Essentially, you both are working each day toward a future that is apart.
What if your life goals mean you have to give up things in your relationship? If there’s something you absolutely need and your partner wants you to give it up, then it’s probably best to break things off. This is typically a sign that he cares more about his own desires than your happiness.
Respect and Values: The Pillars of a Healthy Partnership
Respect coupled with shared values form the fundamental elements of a healthy partnership.
You can show respect to your romantic partner by letting him know that you are proud of him, actually using the word “respect,” telling him you respect him and showing appreciation for the things he does.
In addition to mutual respect, healthy relationships have shared personal beliefs. If you and your significant other are on different pages about how you see the world and how your future should look together, it is only a matter of time before you conclude that the differences in your values are a big deal breaker.
The Role of Intimacy: Sexual Compatibility and Connection
Without good sex and enough of it, it is hard to have a successful relationship. That may be tough medicine for some, but it is very true.
Sexual compatibility is about how well you and your partner match up when it comes to your sexual needs, how good you are at talking about sex, and how happy you both are with it. It is an important part of romantic relationships.
If you’re not sexually compatible, it can be a relationship deal breaker. If you aren’t enjoying your time in between the sheets, you will need to either talk about it to fix it or end your love affair. Of the two, talking is the healthy way to proceed.
Hopefully, you both can meet in the middle or find pleasurable activities that work for both of you, putting you on the path to a healthy, long-term relationship. Even if you can’t work through it, the act of communicating about this sensitive topic will help you grow and be more ready for your next relationship.
If your physical needs continue to go unmet, your dissatisfaction will bleed over to other parts of your relationship. You may start blaming yourself, resulting in you doubting your self-worth or having lower self-esteem. Or, you could start resenting your partner, thinking it is all or mostly his fault. Either way, the eventuality is an end to the coupledom.
Personal Freedom vs. Control: Striking the Right Balance
You want to do your thing. He wants control. You think he is trying to micromanage your every move. He says you are acting like a “lone ranger” and not being part of a couple where all decisions should be made together.
How do you find a balance between having the personal freedom you crave and making him feel like you won’t go out of the bounds of your coupledom? Easier said than done, but finding that balance is one of the keys to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. This balance allows both partners to:
When you are controlled, you don’t feel like you can express your true feelings for fear of being controlled even more. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells, eventually losing your understanding of your own personal identity. You carry a sadness with you and can feel trapped.
Controlling behavior and emotional manipulation comes in many forms, such as:
- Saying things to isolate you from people you love. This could be in the form of speaking poorly of you to those people, or convincing you that they are harmful to you.
- Frequently criticizing you.
- Giving you the silent treatment.
- Rewriting history so that you seem bad or incapable (gaslighting).
- Yelling at you in a way that scares you and makes you feel like you are worthless.
- Belittling you. (“Let me explain this in a way YOU can understand.”)
- Lecturing you constantly.
- Giving direct orders. (“Sit down.” or “You can’t take that medication.”)
- Making all the decisions, including for you and what you will be doing, then informing you (especially waiting to inform you until right before the event).
- Interrupting you constantly so you can’t communicate your thoughts.
- Dehumanizing you. For example, looking away while you are talking or making a point to casually sip a beverage while you are trying to talk about something stressful to show he doesn’t care.
If any of the above occurs often, a relationship counselor is not going to help. The partner is a flawed human being, and you should get out of the relationship. Being subjected to either controlling behavior or emotional abuse alone is a clear deal breaker. Protect yourself and walk away.
Recognizing Emotional and Physical Abuse: The Ultimate Red Flags
Emotional and physical abuse represent definite warning signs in a relationship and should never be condoned. These forms of abuse are clear signs that the relationship is toxic and not healthy.
You need to leave as soon as it is safe to do so. If you need help, call 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE). This is the number to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The risk of violence against you increases and is at its peak for 18 months to 2 years after you leave, so please call the hotline and prepare.
Financial Integrity: Managing Money Matters Together
Financial matters frequently emerge as a delicate topic in relationships. If you cannot manage finances together with honesty and transparency, it is a relationship deal breaker. You won’t be able to build a healthy future together where you achieve your goals.
Habits like overspending and accumulating debt can quickly lead to housing and food insecurity. Do yourself a favor and talk about money before getting into a relationship to avoid any problems later on. If you are not on the same page financially, it is likely not fixable.
You don’t need a lot of hard data to figure out if your potential partner is financially irresponsible or not. Look at how money is spent, saved, and invested. Then go with your gut and move on.
The Importance of Self-Care and Hygiene in Relationships
Do we really need to talk about this? Do you want to kiss someone with bad breath or food between their teeth? Are you attracted to people who are out of shape and smell bad? Is having too much hair…everywhere…sexy these days?
Self-care and hygiene are obvious “musts” for a healthy relationship. If you can’t take care of yourself, why would you be trusted with anyone’s heart? Or joint decisions? Or finances?
Dealing With External Influences: Friends, Family, and Past Experiences
Friends, family, and previous experiences shape your romantic relationship by giving (or withholding) support for your relationship and by influencing your values and behavior. If a family member or friend disapproves of your partner, it would be wise to actually listen to their reasoning. They very well could be right. Take off your love goggles and listen.
But what if “they” are wrong? If more than one person has the courage to tell you that your partner is not good for you, they are probably not wrong. You’ll figure this out later with a lot of pain that could have been avoided.
Okay, but let’s say they are wrong. Then what? You’ll want to set some boundaries both with those naysaying people and also within your coupledom so that you don’t end up bad-talking the naysayers.
Different family backgrounds can also cause friction in a relationship. To handle these differences and prevent fights, it’s important to:
- Talk openly about thoughts and feelings.
- Avoid pointing fingers or blaming anyone.
- Tackle one issue at a time in a respectful way that doesn’t shame anyone or make anyone feel diminished.
- Focus on finding solutions through common ground.
- Consider seeking advice on dealing with difficult family members.
Clearly, if you can’t work through friends, family, and baggage from the past, any of these will be a deal breaker.
When Ambition Levels Don’t Match
You want to climb the corporate ladder. He wants to stay home and play video games, smoke weed, and let you bring home the bacon. Not going to work.
Okay, let’s dial it down a little.
If one person is super ambitious and the other is more laid back, it can create tension and make the relationship unsatisfying, which can be a significant deal breaker. When one partner isn’t working hard to achieve career success, it can bring down the go-getter, holding them back and making them feel frustrated and resentful. Also, when one partner is killing themself working long hours, it’s not fair for the other person to sit at home being unproductive or just out having fun. At a minimum, that unambitious partner should be supporting the other one and picking up the burden of household, vehicle, pet, and child duties.
If you don’t talk about it, it can make you both unhappy, and the relationship will likely fall apart if you don’t figure out how both people are going to pull their fair share of the weight for the benefit of the couple.
Walking Away: Knowing When to End It
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a relationship reaches a breaking point. Identifying an unhealthy relationship and then having the courage to end it is vital for personal well-being and development. Signs that a relationship is on the rocks include:
- Your shared place feels like a ghost town with no compassion or joy.
- You can’t have a conversation without it turning into a fight or facing snarky remarks.
- You’ve stopped arguing because you know it will not help the relationship and will only hurt it further.
When you want to end things, it’s important to know that it’s going to hurt, and the process will not be easy. Plan out your steps, and then follow your plan. The first step is to deal with your own feelings and process any grief over the loss of your relationship. Your relationship is dead and has been dead. Think through the finality of it, decide on what you are going to do in your next chapter, and research where you are going to live and how you will move. (It’s better to move than try to force him out if you think he will be uncooperative.)
When you are emotionally ready, talk to your partner in person. When you talk, be authentic, but don’t get caught up in the details, and don’t get pulled into negotiating for you both to somehow work it out. Your problems are real, and the time to work through them has passed. Be strong and carry on.
Every relationship is unique, and what works for one might not work for another. Ultimately, the key is to stay true to your core values and know when to walk away.
