Your ex is bitter. Maybe he’s being passive-aggressive, likes to fight about everything, tries to hurt you, is a bad guy, or is all of the above. It doesn’t matter. He is angry, and his behavior is bad.
You can’t completely avoid it because of the need to co-parent or some other reason. So what can you do?
I will cut through the confusion and give you actionable strategies on how to deal with an ex-husband who is bitter. Prepared from a place of experience and empathy, I will help you rise above his negativity and thrive.
Understanding Bitterness in Your Ex Husband
It might be that he becomes an unpleasant passive-aggressive person, or he fights about everything, or he is just mean or uncooperative. However his anger manifests itself, accept the fact that he is angry. Stop there.
It is not — I repeat — it is not your job to spend your valuable time trying to make sense of it. You probably can’t, even if you tried. He is projecting his anger over his failed marriage onto you.
He could also be angry because of external factors, like a new person in his life who convinces him that you are a horrible person. Maybe he is angry because of yet other influences outside your control.
Trying to analyze the root causes of why he is angry is not going to help your situation. Neither will holding out hope that his anger will disappear. He is still going to be an angry person for as long as he chooses to be.
My best advice is to first truly forgive this damaged man and set boundaries for yourself. Internalize deep in your heart that his hostility is not your fault. Use coping skills when, despite your best efforts, he still gets to you, and you end up hurt.
Don’t let his “man-child” behavior define who you are. Let go of the past and concentrate on being the best person and mom you can be during this new chapter of your life.
Strategies for Communicating with a Bitter Ex Husband
Dealing with a bitter ex can make communication seem intimidating. The initial action to take when dealing with hostile exes, especially a hostile ex-spouse, is to develop an effective communication strategy to deflect the hostility and limit his access to you.
One effective strategy is to utilize email or texting exclusively for logistical purposes. Establishing communication guidelines can help reduce conflict because you only email or text non-emotional information related to him as the other parent. In your emails and texting, regardless of what he does, you stick to specific times for communication (like 7 am – 10 pm unless there is an emergency that the other parent needs to know about), stick to the facts, and avoid personal comments or attacks.
Another effective strategy is to kill him with kindness. It’s not real kindness. And you are not expecting him to change who he has become. You are putting on an act of smiling and using a nice tone so he can’t drag you into a fight.
Yet another strategy is to limit your topics. A “safe topic” is one that directly impacts your children. It would be about a necessary decision that involves your kids. An “unsafe topic” would be, for example, any discussion about your marriage to each other, your feelings about each other, or your personal lives that do not adversely impact the children. If he starts to get off topic, you redirect him or end the conversation until a time when he can discuss the matter that involves your children.
The goal of these strategies is not to win an argument but to minimize conflict for the sake of your children.
Protecting Children from the Fallout
Your children are more important than you and more important than him. The two of you — adults — created these innocent children. These children did not ask to come into this world. They did not have a choice about being in the middle of two adults who don’t get along well.
Pull up your big girl panties and treat him as a person who happens to be the other parent. That is what he now is. You are the ex-wife. You are going to remain calm and communicate with him so that you can raise your children in as healthy of an environment as possible. You are going to act in the best interest of the family you have left – you and your kiddos – and protect them from getting hurt. That is your responsibility.
Whether you have only one child, two children together, or more, try to see if you can co-parent effectively. If you can’t, or if you went through a high-conflict divorce, then consider Parallel Parenting.
This method is used by divorced parents who are unable to effectively co-parent. It aims to minimize conflict and improve the overall quality of life for both parents and children. It involves relinquishing the expectation of engaging in rational discussions with an unreasonable former spouse.
Countless statistics and studies prove that children in high-stress environments suffer all kinds of negative effects, from academic difficulty to social problems to mental health issues. This method allows you to focus on your own relationship with your children, avoiding dealing with a hostile ex.
If there is conflict over your custody arrangement or child support that he should be paying, here are some steps to follow:
- Ensure that custody orders are communicated to relevant parties through formal channels.
- Avoid direct engagement with your former partner regarding potential legal disputes related to child support or custody.
- Redirect all related discussions to your legal representative.
Self-Care and Personal Growth After Divorce
Releasing anger and hate will help you move on. Prioritizing self-care and personal growth will help you heal from the challenges of your divorce and establish a framework for a more fulfilling future, especially when dealing with your emotionally abusive ex-spouse.
There are several self-care practices you can adopt following a divorce. These include:
- Prioritizing time for activities that bring joy, such as taking a nap, going on a walk, or calling a friend to talk with.
- Seeking emotional support from friends, family, or a counselor.
- Maintaining a journal on a daily basis, even if just to jot down three things you are grateful for that day.
- Engaging in social interactions like organizing group play dates with your children’s friends and parents or joining a hiking club with your children.
- Considering changes in surroundings like moving to a new house or apartment or getting involved in new hobbies that change who you meet and how you spend your free time.
- Incorporating physical exercise by joining a team sport, joining a team athletic group like a civilian boot camp, or going to cycling classes at a gym.
- Cultivating a meditation or prayer schedule so you have a set time and place every day to meditate or pray.
Coming up with and sticking to a self-care routine will help you deal with the strained relationship between ex-spouses. Treating yourself well is a “must” for your well-being and so you can continue to foster a healthy relationship with your kids.
Legal and Financial Considerations
The legal and financial aspects of how your divorce decree is drafted are big factors in your interactions with your ex-husband. You will need to read and re-read your divorce decree so you can follow it – to the letter – and make sure your ex does as well. After you have committed your divorce decree to memory, do these things:
- Familiarize yourself with the jurisdiction of the divorce court. The laws involved in divorce and child custody are state-specific. So, if you live in California, and your ex lives in Texas, you need to know which state’s law applies.
- Take precautions to safeguard against potential challenges related to alimony (also called spousal support). This means you need to know what changes in your life, or what actions you could take, would disqualify you or reduce the alimony you are receiving.
- Take precautions to safeguard against potential challenges related to child custody and child support. In many states, if your ex can put together “evidence” that you have developed a substance abuse problem, you could lose your kids.
Moving Forward Without Guilt
Start by letting go of the past. What’s done is done. You deserve happiness in your life, and so do your kiddos. When you are happy, your kids have a much higher chance of being happy.
It is not healthy for you to carry guilt over your failed marriage. Life happens, and we all do our best with the information and skills that we have at the time. Looking back, it’s always easy to think of times when you could have been a better wife, or you could have done something different to help your relationship.
Techniques for releasing guilt involve forgiving oneself, revisiting personal values, and taking proactive steps forward. Exercises for self-forgiveness include documenting guilt-inducing thoughts and responding to them with compassion, cultivating self-compassion, and utilizing forgiveness activities and worksheets.
Therapy can be beneficial in addressing feelings of guilt. It provides a structured environment to explore and process emotions, facilitating the healing process and establishing a network of support. Above all, it is important to acknowledge that you cannot control your ex’s emotions or actions. This recognition empowers you to prioritize your own healing and personal development.
Handling Extreme Cases
In certain situations, bitterness can escalate into severe forms like violence and defamation (slander or libel). When faced with these situations, you will need to take the appropriate steps to ensure your safety and well-being.
Acts of violence can lead to domestic violence and even spousal murder, while slander can perpetuate falsehoods intended to permanently harm your reputation. In these instances, it is vital to seek professional assistance, such as legal counsel, psychological support, or aid from specialized organizations.
When dealing with a violent ex-spouse, prioritize personal safety. You and your children may need to hide in a local women’s shelter while you make further preparations. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE) for help. Depending on the situation, it might be a good idea to get sole custody with no right of visitation by your children’s father.
With understanding, effective communication, and self-care, you can navigate this difficult terrain. Protect your kids, prioritize your well-being, and seek professional help. Know that you cannot control your ex’s emotions or actions. The focus should be on managing your abuser and creating a happier future for yourself and your children.
